We can save a lot on birth control and avoid stress over credit card bills — that’s a win! Recently, I heard Justice Alito pondering rights that women lacked when the Constitution was originally created by a group of 55 white men in 1787. He seems to think we’d be better off adhering to what’s "deeply rooted in history."

One might wonder if he found inspiration in his favorite rom-com, The Handmaid’s Tale. (Who hasn’t been indulging in their favorite shows lately?) Back in 1787, life was quite the experience for women, people of color, and the LGBTQ+ community — think headdresses and taffeta. Met Gala, here we come!

I digress. Justice Alito's shift regarding Roe v. Wade got me thinking about daily activities that aren’t enshrined in the Constitution. And boy, there are plenty. For instance, our founding fathers didn’t address tech regulation, from cars to the internet. So, I’m sharing this checklist fast, just in case we decide that websites might be banned! Here’s what women might need to stop doing in a post-Roe era, and how to tackle it like the leader you are!

Eliminate Credit Cards

Before the Equal Credit Opportunity Act of 1974, women were unable to obtain credit cards. In 1787, there was no concern about paying balances or fees for checked bags. Back then, banks could deny credit cards to women if they were unmarried, and husbands had to co-sign if they allowed their wives to have credit.

How to do it: Cut your credit cards into tiny pieces, just like julienne carrots for dinner. Those bits can become trendy earrings or help with achieving the perfect eyeliner for a special night. Credit cards? More like an art project!

Stock Up on Turtlenecks and Modest Attire

Who doesn’t enjoy dressing up? Our clothing speaks volumes, but we don’t want to imply we’re inviting unwanted attention. Until 1977, men weren’t held accountable for sexual harassment, as it wasn’t recognized as a crime. So, it's up to us to dress in a manner that doesn’t provoke ideas — Justice Alito’s new views are a prime example of male creativity!

How to do it: When I aim to cover more skin, I wrap myself in motivational signs from craft stores. When “Live, Laugh, Love” covers my chest and waist, it significantly reduces unwanted advances during my work hours. (Pro tip: “It’s Wine O’Clock” works nicely to shield my ankles too!)

Conceal Your Pregnancy from Your Employer

Before 1978, women could lose their jobs for becoming pregnant, or employers could refuse to hire them due to their condition. It makes sense; pregnant women often radiate a glow that can distract male coworkers who need uninterrupted focus.

How to do it: Claim that your growing belly is merely a bag for MAGA hats you carry around for emergencies! Or better yet, consider stepping back from work. With homes averaging $400,000 and wages at $52,000, inflation at 8.5%, and college costs at $35,000 yearly, your spouse should manage supporting the family alone.

Cut Costs on Birth Control

Birth control was first available to some women in 1960 but only became accessible to unmarried women in 1972. Even then, pharmacies hesitated to carry it, fearing it might “promote prostitution.” It’s odd that the men at the constitutional convention overlooked Ortho Tri-Cyclen, but they were likely preoccupied with other rights. Personally, I love saving money. With the cash I save by not buying birth control, I might invest in a new washboard or butter churn (after getting my husband's approval, of course)!

How to do it: Simply don’t purchase birth control! But keep your savings handy, as health insurers could start charging women significantly more for premiums, just like before the Affordable Care Act.

Relax About Your Career, Finances, or Property

Ladies, it’s time to take a step back and let men take the wheel for a bit. When the Constitution was written, women couldn’t own bank accounts or property, and we lacked the right to vote. Embracing our historical roots might mean we can finally relax and let someone else make decisions. Ahh!

How to do it: Pay it forward. Men help with everything, so we should reciprocate. If Justice Alito’s vision of returning to “history and tradition” comes to fruition, remember that until 1993, spousal rape was legal in some states. This means when your husband expects gratitude for his hard work, you may not have much choice.

But who needs choice anyway?

Note:

You can support abortion funds that assist women in obtaining essential healthcare.

You can contribute to organizations fighting in abortion-restrictive states that have limited women’s access to care.

You can protest on the streets.

You can back candidates championing women’s rights, every single day.

And ensure you’re registered to vote.

We will not regress.

If you want more context to understand Justice Alito’s statements, consider reading this article, “The Constitutional Status of Women in 1787,” written by Mary Beth Norton in 1988, who is now a Professor Emeritus of American History at Cornell University.

She notes: “The Constitution not only omitted all explicit reference to women, it also was drafted as though they did not exist as political individuals—for indeed they did not in the minds of the Founding Fathers… During that era, the household was the fundamental social unit, led by a male head. Women were dependents, legally subordinate and perceived solely as parts of households.”